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By Stewart Nusbaumer

Surviving in Mosul Stuggling to survive after a horrific explosion.

Street Without Joy
Will Bush’s surge secure Baghdad’s bloodiest block?

Good Morning, al-Adhamiya
In one of Baghdad's most dangerous neighborhoods.

Squiring Out Of Baghdad
Is the surge ending or dispersing the insurgency?

With PTT in Heet
A Marine unit training and equipping the Iraq Police.

Embed in Trouble
What is a journalist to do with attacked by a U.S. Army biggie? Go to the bigger?

Four Days in Dulab
In a small, dangerous town in the most violent province in Iraq.


 

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  Humor: Kill States, Not People

 
 
Common sense thinking leads to a whacky plan to end sectarian violence and destruction throughout the world.
By Stewart Nusbaumer

After wading through another day's gruesome news, I started pondering what a friend said to me last week. It was his solution for ending the endless violence in Israel. "Why not move the Israelis to Utah? They're strange enough to get along with those whacky Mormons."

And I said, "How about moving the Palestinians to Nevada? Without the Israelis around, Palestinians will turn on each other faster than you can say Allah!"

Clearly we were on to something here. A solution to the world's number one problem: sectarian violence. It just took me a week to get really serious about changing the world.

Indians are now in the grip of another round of nasty bombings, so maybe we should transfer the billion Indians to Nevada. Oops. I forgot that's where the Palestinians are going. How about Montana?

But there are also the Muslim Indians, and they are clearly part of the problem in South Asia. Where can we put them? Not many people are keen on taking in a few hundred thousand raving Muslims. Even Californians might say no to a Mojave Dessert of roaming cut throats.

It seems to me, in the name of compassion, we should consider killing the Mexicans (except those working in the States, which the world desperately needs) to make room for people who really need their space. Like the Kurds. After Saddam Hussein beats those trumped up charges of genocide, he'll go up there and gas those Kurds real good.

And don't forget the Tibetans, although everyone seems to have forgotten them. I've been thinking if we defrosted the arctic, which we're doing anyway, the Tibetans could live there with the penguins. Actually, all the penguins will be dead because they can't handle Miami Beach on the North Pole. Yet, since the Chinese are killing all the Tibetans in Tibet, dead penguins in the arctic should not be a problem for them. [1]

While refining these thoughts over a tasty Brooklyn Lager, in walks the West End Bar's resident brain, Barfly Bob.

"You're missing an important point," he says with a wave of his thick arm. "With oil prices shooting up, Americans are about to join the murdered masses themselves. If it hits four bucks a gallon, you'll see what this country is really made of. No, it wouldn't be fair to bring planeloads into our mess here."

This was very disappointing to hear, but he had a point. This country could turn into a killing field if those SUVs don't have cheap gas.

"But I have a solution," Barfly suggests. "Why not just leave all those people where they are?"

"What? Are you nuts?"

"Instead of people slicing each other up, why not slice the countries up? A different type of violence, but this one kills countries instead of people."

And there it was. Stop the killing with euthanasia for sick nation states. First you build a wall between the murdering fanatics, throw some landmines into the construction scheme, give the divided lands new names, write new constitutions, make new national flags, select new birds or whatever as mascots, and then live in peace. The brilliance was in its simplicity, and its global reach. Any moron could grasp this and yet it would end massacre as we know it.

But there is a problem with drinking and thinking: the more you drink, the more you think, and the more you think, the more you find problems with your thinking. In this case, it eventually became evident that freedom-loving America would never go for ending the global bloodbath.

American conservatives have no higher priority than to expand the borderless world for corporate commerce. They are into one heavy crusade to turn the whole world into a beautiful slave labor camp. And remember, they pay for the Republican Party.

At the same time, American liberals are equally obsessed with a borderless world, but in the name of universal love. Their idealistic commitment to peace and justice means they will tolerate fanatical violence and genocide as the price for the world to come together in love. And of course these liberals dictate Democratic Party policy.

As for the vast majority of Americans who say screw economic globalism and international brotherhood, they don't count.

I order another Brooklyn lager, depressed that I came so close yet ended up short. Suddenly I think of a way out of the "American Problem!" Grease all the conservatives and liberals. Mexican them! Slice them up! Yes, this is ugly, but someone has to step forward with real compassion to stop this madness.


[1] The editor has informed me that there are no penguins in the arctic. This is an outrage! I feel so sad for those little guys. Penguins never did anything to us, and we have massacred them -- and not for a good reason, like to save Tibetans. Was there a single word in our media about this peng-ocide? Of course not.


Stewart Nusbaumer is editor of Intervention Magazine. You can email Stewart at SNusbaumer@aol.com.

Posted Tuesday, November 8, 2005

 

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List of most recent articles posted:
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  Live from Kabul


By Stewart Nusbaumer

On the Road to Kabul
Is Afghanistan progressing and becoming more stable -- or slipping back into civil war?

The Morning the Apple Exploded
An inside view of an Afghanistan beginning to explode, one apple at a time.

The Kabul Rumble
There are many dangers in Afghanistan, but one is seldom mentioned.

"Every Missile Was a Painkiller"
Afghanistan is an enigma wrapped in pain with a future that is anyone’s guess.

Kabul Erupts in Gunfire
A spark becomes a riot and Stewart is surrounded by gunfire.

Bombed in Afghanistan
With reality confusing and fear rising, illusions are manufactured as fast as drinks can be consumed.

Unfinished Business
Defeat in Iraq would be a humiliation, defeat in Afghanistan could be a real threat.

A Diffferent Fireworks
On the 4th of July in Kabul there was a different type of fireworks.

Where Did The Dough Go?
Billions have been donated for the reconstruction of Afghanistan, so where did the money go?

On The Edge
It's simple why we're not winning the hearts and minds of Afghans and nation-building is a diaster.

 

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  Live from China

By Stewart Nusbaumer

China

Astounded in China
China’s development is stunning and its power is growing quickly; will America become a lapdog for the Asian dragon?

Bombed in Beijing
Yes China’s development is stunning, but not as stunning as the Goddess of Tiananmen Square.

Enigma or Bomb?
It's a weird world with weird Americans making it hard to tell what is really real.

Tongue-Tied & Stomach Pumped
While their language tells us about Chinese society, their cuisine tells us about a very dirty political secret.

Drinking & Driving
Driving in China teaches you to appreciate airplanes; drinking the booze will probably turn you into a tea drinker.

Sexpots Galore
When sex merges with politics, the Big Dog authorities never win.

 

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